Written by: Roscoe

Cave Men Were Romantic

Though it’s not very well known, because sappy greeting cards hadn’t been invented yet. But Cave Dudes always brought flowers home to their Cave Babes. And they’d pick them themselves, because, of course, there were no Florists yet. Here’s a little known fact: one of the first businesses to open was, in fact, a Florist. One day a Cave Dude was out job hunting (jobs, in fact, hadn’t been invented yet either, but this Dude had just gotten a lecture -lectures were always around- from his Babe about how he was spending too much time around the cave doing nothing and supplies were running low with no way to barter with other Cave Dudes, so he took off in search of a way to make it happen).

Flowers Were Everywhere

There were no cities yet, so fauna and flora were easily obtainable, growing wild pretty much everywhere, and the Cave Dude was trying to think of a way to get back in the good graces of his Cave Babe, so he picked some flowers (women have always liked flowers) as a peace offering. Then it hit him: he could kill two birds with one stone (a regular event for a Cave Dude, they were excellent marksmen with stones, that’s where the phrase came from) by gathering up all the flowers in the area (a monopoly, though unscrupulous business practices hadn’t been invented yet). Other Cave Dudes saw how convenient this would be (no more gathering flowers themselves every time their own Cave Babes were unhappy with them), and Florists were invented.

Valentine’s Day

Even though they didn’t know about Saint Valentine yet, the patron saint of lovers, Cave Babes were always unhappy around this particular time of year. They felt neglected from a whole season of their Cave Men playing football. Yes, there was football back then, except it wasn’t called that. It wasn’t called anything, really, because language hadn’t been invented yet, but Cave Dudes would grunt to each other and point to a rock whenever they wanted to play. It was more like Rockball. A form of Dodgeball, only with rocks. Cave Dudes loved it, and the season got to be pretty long, bringing them right to their own Super Bowl (of course it wasn’t called the Super Bowl then, anybody knows that). And this was a brutal affair: rocks flying everywhere, even hitting Cave dudes in the head. Let’s face it, the last Dudes standing were pretty happy, because, well, the ones that weren’t standing were either maimed or dead. And no one had health insurance back then, because Obama hadn’t been elected President (and they say Cave Men were stupid).

Cave Babes Liked Getting Gifts

Duh! They especially liked getting gifts because shopping hadn’t been invented yet (though this was imminent: as the gifts dropped off – a natural occurence in a relationship – Cave Babes decided to get gifts for themselves, and shopping was invented).

So A Special Day Was Set Aside

It wasn’t called Valentine’s Day, because Cave Dudes weren’t label oriented, they just wanted to live in peace with their Cave Babes until the next football season started. And, as mentioned above, Cave Babes were unhappy, a little moody perhaps, and let’s face it, they were withholding certain… favors. Not a good thing for a Cave Man, or any man, for that matter, which is why chocolate was invented pretty soon after.

The Tradition Lives On

That’s pretty much why we have Valentine’s Day, only today it goes both ways: women can buy men gifts, too, to show how much they care. Cave Babes did it, but their selection of gifts was limited. Mostly just different rocks to choose from. Then again, maybe things haven’t changed much: give a guy a rock today, he’d probably be happy. As long as his Babe doesn’t throw it.

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-Roscoe

Written by: Roscoe

Ingredients:

About a dozen good sized shrimp, peeled and deveined
1 can (8 oz) chopped or diced tomatoes
2 cloves garlic
a couple shallots, chopped, or 1/2 red onion

1/2 lb whole wheat cappellini

Pecorino Romano cheese

olive oil, Cholula, Worcestershire
Wine (red or white for shrimp)
Italian herbs
Red Wine (for dinner)
Garlic Bread
Ice Cream, berries, chocolate (for dessert)

Cook For Your Babe on Valentine’s Day

Any common fool can take his girl out to eat for Valentine’s Day. But if you really want to impress her, let her know that you really care and want her to know that you’ll always go that extra mile for her (whether you do or not, you’ve at least got to act like it), you’ll get a lot more mileage if you cook the dinner yourself (hey, this isn’t Restaurants With Roscoe, it’s Cookin’ With Roscoe).

Italian Always Works

It’s romantic, of course: simple setting, nice white tablecloth, or maybe the classic Italian red and white checks, candles, good pasta, red wine, sweet dessert. What could be better to get someone in the mood for love? (Besides winning the lottery, but that’s for another blog).

And You Can Do It Yourself

Turn the lights down low, maybe light a candle, put on some good music, Dean or Frank, and whatever you do, don’t use paper plates. You’ll be in like Flint.

Shrimp and Pasta

Don’t tell anyone, but shrimp is easy to cook. Sautee’d for a couple minutes in olive oil and garlic, it’s as simple as it gets. Add some chopped shallot or red onion, then some diced tomatoes, drizzle it with a little honey and sprinkle in some herbs, and let it simmer. If you don’t want to start from scratch, just use your favorite red sauce in a jar, no one’ll ever know (“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” doesn’t only work in the Military). And don’t forget, when you boil the pasta (whole wheat cappellini works well here), add a bouillon cube to the water, and some olive oil, Worcestershire, and Cholula, to make it taste good. When everything’s ready, dump the pasta into the sauce, mix well, then serve it up on a nice platter with some shredded Pecorino Romano or Parmesan. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by: Roscoe

Oughtta Be A National Holiday

Or at least the day after should be. Actually, that’s when you really need a day off, after you eat, drink, shout and smoke half the night you need about a day to recover. But no…

Gotta Have Good Food

Beer is mandatory, don’t even have to mention that. And some good bourbon and lemonade never hurt anyone, either. But the main attraction for any Super Bowl get together is the food.

Biggest Pizza Day of the Year

Every local delivery place lives for Super Bowl Sunday, and well they should, pizza being quite possibly one of God’s perfect foods. And if that’s what you want to do, go ahead, order up.

Roscoe Does It Differently

Here at Club Roscoe, we cook. Roscoe will put his pizza up against anyone’s (bring it on, Bobby Flay). But for Super Bowl this year, it’s another theme…

Chili

Yes, another staple of the Super Bowl. And there’s a good reason: you can make it ahead of time and the host can enjoy food, drink, cigars, and the game along with everyone else. Just leave it on low and set a ladle next to a stack of bowls, and let everyone help themselves. Maybe some warm, crusty bread to go with it, or…

Chili Dogs

Grill up some dogs before the game starts, put ‘em in a foil tray next to the chili, and let the magic happen. Nothing like a good chili dog, and we’re not talkin’ any National Coney Island here.

Chili Cheese Fries

Get out that French fry pan, roast up your favorite fries till they’re crispy. Transfer to a foil lined pizza pan (the foil makes for easy clean-up), ladle over some of that good chili, then sprinkle on some cheese (Roscoe recommends a blend of pepper jack and smoked cheddar). Sprinkle on some chopped green onions, then let it all bake in the oven till the cheese gets nice and gooey. Don’t forget the paper towels.

Appetizers

A Super Bowl at Roscoe’s isn’t complete without BBQ’d Oysters. Shuck ‘em yourself, or get ‘em on the half-shell (easier, duh). Drip on a little of your favorite salsa or hot sauce (Cholula?), top it with some pepper jack cheese, and grill till the cheese melts.

For Those Who Own A Smoker

Yes, some are more fortunate than others. For those who are, Poppers are the way to go. Otherwise known as ABT’s, these are smoked stuffed jalapenos. Stuff ‘em with whatever you like. Chili and cheese, chorizo and cheese, cheese and cheese, all guaranteed to be hit. Wrapped in bacon brings it to another level of goodness.

You Can’t Go Wrong

Whatever you cook up for the Super Bowl, it’s bound to be good if you follow Roscoe’s Guidelines. But hey, if you just want to order a pizza, go for it. You’re still…

Cookin’ With Roscoe

(Recipes to follow..)

Written by: Roscoe

You can get pizza in almost any country in the world. Roscoe makes it a point to have it wherever he goes (he says the best pizza is in Switzerland. Why? The cheese, of course.) But go somewhere other than the good ol’ U S of A and try to order a bowl of red. Good luck. Oh, Mexico, you say? Don’t think so. In fact, an early Mexican dictionary once described chili as “detestable food passing itself off as Mexican.” Must have been some pretty bad chili. But the truth is, chili as we know it doesn’t come from Mexico. We may think it does because they cook with a lot of chilis. But so do a lot of cuisines. India comes to mind, along with most of South America.

NUNS
What do nuns have to do with chili? Well, an old Southwestern American Indian legend originating from the late 1600’s tells that the first recipe for chili con carne came from a beautiful nun who was prone to trances – she’d go into a trance for days – and one day she came out of her trance and wrote down a recipe for chili to be made with venison or antelope. Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

TRAIL FOOD
It is said that chili was first concocted for cowboys while traveling with their herds around 1850. Tough meat braised over open flame with onions and chilis to disguise the taste of the lousy meat.

PRISON FOOD
In 1860 inmates of Texas prisons stewed up a gruel they called chili, and challenged other prisons to do better. Sorry Terlingua, but it sounds like the first real chili cookoff may have been between prisons. But what did the winner get besides gas?

CHILI BABES

Later, women nicknamed “Chili Queens” sold their chili on the road from Chili wagons. A night was not considered complete without a visit to the “Chili Queen” wagon, where these Chili Babes (Roscoe’s updated nickname) probably did more than ladle grub. Depending on the heat factor of the chili, it’s probably where the term “hot babe” was first used. There is even speculation that these same “chili babes” were at the Alamo, which explains how Davey Crocket and Daniel Boone could have lost that battle, undoubtedly distracted. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by: Roscoe

Ingredients:

Leftover chili – warm
Tortilla chips
Cheese – pepper jack and your favorite, grated or chopped (about 1/2 lb total, more if you like)
Green onions – chopped

Got Chili?

You made the chili just the way you like it, and everyone raved, and now you’ve got some left over. The heavy lifting is done, you’ve already got the spices in the chili (jalapenos, Worcestershire and Cholula, right?).

Don’t Put It In The Freezer

Of course chili freezes well, we know that. But instead of giving it the deep freeze, then forgetting all about it and throwing it away in a year when you get ready to cook up a new batch, just put it in the fridge for a couple of days (till the next game is on TV), pick up some good tortilla chips, some cheeses – pepper jack and whatever your other favorite is (Roscoe recommends smoked cheddar) – some green onions, and you’ve got the fixin’s for great nachos.

It’s Easy, And Everybody Loves It

Just line a pizza pan or a cookie sheet with foil (for easy cleanup), and layer some tortilla chips on the bottom. Dollop some (warm) chili over the chips, then sprinkle the cheese. Then do it all again. Two layers works well, but you can go as high as you like. When you’re finished, sprinkle the chopped green onions on the top.

Pop It In The Oven

400 for around 15 minutes, or whenever the cheese is bubbling and the tortillas are getting crispy.

Guacamole Works

Serve it on the side, or just dollop some right on top when you serve it (dollop is a bonafide culinary term, in case you were wondering).

This Ain’t No Taco Bell, You’re Cookin’ With Roscoe

Written by: Roscoe

THE FIRST OYSTER
There’s no real record of the first guy to ever eat an oyster. Just as well. Do we really need to know about some half-starved cave man who probably ripped his fingernails apart trying to get the darned thing open before he got so frustrated that he just hammered it with a rock until it crumbled? And then, what does he find inside but this slimy grey goop. He couldn’t have been looking for something to eat. He was probably out looking around for an ornament for his cave woman companion. You know, get the wife some shells, make a necklace out of them, or earings. If they had earings back then (they always had necklaces).

WHY DID HE EAT IT?
This dude must have been really hungry. Because let’s face it, he couldn’t have known how good it would taste. Or how good it was for him. But this neanderthal just looked at this shell full of slime and then slurped it down. No cocktail sauce, no horseradish, no tobasco! What was he thinking?

A REAL HERO
Maybe he wasn’t thinking at all. Maybe it was just pure primal instinct that made him swallow that mollusk. Whatever it was, we’re grateful. Think of a world without oyster bars. Who’d want to live in it? Even if you don’t like oysters, you’ve got to admit, going to an oyster bar is fun. Watching the guy behind the counter shucking oysters and making it look easy. Of course, you’re having a beer while you watch him, and that always contributes to the fun.

NUTRITIONAL VALUE
Aside from the alleged aphrodisiac effect you’re supposed to get from oysters, they’re really good for you. Full of vitamins and minerals, like zinc, copper, iodine, and lots more. All stuff men need a lot of. There’s nothing wrong with being healthy when you’re having fun. But don’t just swallow it down whole. If you chew the oyster, it releases those minerals and helps to get them into your bloodstream faster. And the faster the aphrodisiac works, the better, yes? Well, in certain circumstances, anyway.

OYSTERS ARE VERSATILE
You don’t have to eat them raw. Oysters Rockefeller is a great way to prepare them, baked with spinach, bread crumbs, onion, and cheese. But Club Roscoe recommends a different technique…

BARBEQUED OYSTERS
Actually, you can barbeque your oysters without anything on them, they’re still good. But at Club Roscoe, our goal is to take food to another level. So we recommend grilling oysters with a little hot sauce, a little salsa, and a little pepper jack cheese on top. Put the oysters on the grill, put the cover down (or not), and when the cheese is melted, they’re ready.

TOO SIMPLE?
Yes, it seems like it. But that’s the beauty of this food idea. And really, you can substitue whatever you like. There are guys all over the country, all over the world, probably even on other planets (yes, they have oysters on other planets, they must), grilling oysters with whatever concoction they can come up with. So go for it. Use your imagination. Hey, you belong to Club Roscoe, that’s what we’re here for.

Written by: Roscoe

The First Hangover?

People celebrate New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day in different ways: some party down and bring in the New Year and hardly remember it the next day. Some are a little more low key, choosing to spend the night, or the next day, with friends and/or family in a quiet dinner or brunch, watching football and promising that waistlines will be smaller this year.

Cave Men Did It, Too

Why wouldn’t they? Just because there were no calendars yet didn’t mean they couldn’t tell when another year was upon them. In fact, it was easy. Right after Christmas (see The First Christmas), about six days, to be exact, Cave Babes wanted something else to celebrate. Sure, they were happy with the shell necklace that their Cave Dude risked his life to get them for Christmas (Cave Dudes didn’t just pick up shells off the beach and string them together – string hadn’t even been invented yet – they had to wade into the ocean, battle deadly Piranha and Catfish – Catfish were killers back then, not everyone knows that, this was long before Paul Prudhomme blackened them), but after a few years of the same thing (choices were limited, as they hadn’t invented shopping yet), the Babes were just a little bored with the shell necklace, but didn’t know how to say it, as complaining hadn’t been invented yet (though it wasn’t far off).

They Wanted A Party

But parties hadn’t been invented yet, either. Mostly when they wanted to have a good time they kind of jumped around the cave (dancing came right after this), bumping into each other and laughing when someone fell. Once in a while one of them (usually the Cave Babe) would break out in a series of melodic grunts, but it ended there, as Karaoke was a long way off. And no one had invented booze yet, so how good a party could they have, anyway?

That Kiss At Midnight

Who do you think invented that? The Cave Dude, that’s who. Admittedly, he was going for a head butt, as that’s how they showed affection back then, but somehow he came up short, and connected with the Cave Babe’s lips instead. Needless to say, no more head butts after that. Kissing caught on, and it remains, even today, one of the best things you can do with your clothes on (and it’s even better without them). Read the rest of this entry »

Written by: Roscoe

There Were Always Christmas Trees

Yes, pine trees were everywhere, even in Cave Man times, so it was really no trouble to get a Christmas Tree, even though there were no lots to go to (this was before anything was for sale, but just barely, because the sales gene was always there, but it remained dormant until Cave Babes demanded engagement rings from their suitors, and then the floodgates of sales were opened). Cave Dudes just sharpened up their stone axes and chopped down the tree that their Cave Babe liked.

So they Had The Tree…

But then they wondered what to do with it. Cave Dudes propped it up in the cave, and they looked at it for a while, and let’s face it, they were stumped until the Cave Kid said there should be something under it, but no one knew what (this was before presents, but again, just barely, because, well, if you’ve got a Christmas Tree, a Christmas present can’t be very far behind, can it?)

They Took Their Time

Despite what we might think, Cave People did not make hasty decisions. For one thing, they weren’t under any time pressure, because there were no clocks. And for another, there wasn’t any peer pressure because, well, there weren’t that many peers. And if there were a peer or two, say, another Cave Couple or a Cave Family, they didn’t live very close, so there was no “keeping up with the Joneses,” (but only because they didn’t have names yet). So they pondered. Cave Dudes actually pondered a lot, it was the precursor to naps, which is where the phrase “Let’s sleep on it” really started.

It Happened By Accident

As so much did back then. One day the Cave Kid was kicking rocks around in the cave, which was getting on the Cave Mom’s nerves (this was before they invented Valium), so she started yelling and the Cave Kid took off, but not before one of the Cave Dude’s spare clubs rolled under the tree. When the Cave Dude got home from work (they didn’t call it that yet, because they hadn’t invented jobs yet, but that was coming fast, because if you’ve got Christmas presents, you’ve got to have a job to pay for them) he saw the club under the tree and, since it was a spare that he hadn’t been able to find for a while, he naturally assumed it was a gift from his family. But since they hadn’t invented gifts yet, someone had to take the credit for it, and the Cave Babe wasn’t about to let the Cave Kid get any of it (she was still mad at the kid for getting on her nerves, remember?), so she let the Cave Dude think it was from her. Read the rest of this entry »