Written by: Roscoe

The First Hangover?

People celebrate New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day in different ways: some party down and bring in the New Year and hardly remember it the next day. Some are a little more low key, choosing to spend the night, or the next day, with friends and/or family in a quiet dinner or brunch, watching football and promising that waistlines will be smaller this year.

Cave Men Did It, Too

Why wouldn’t they? Just because there were no calendars yet didn’t mean they couldn’t tell when another year was upon them. In fact, it was easy. Right after Christmas (see The First Christmas), about six days, to be exact, Cave Babes wanted something else to celebrate. Sure, they were happy with the shell necklace that their Cave Dude risked his life to get them for Christmas (Cave Dudes didn’t just pick up shells off the beach and string them together – string hadn’t even been invented yet – they had to wade into the ocean, battle deadly Piranha and Catfish – Catfish were killers back then, not everyone knows that, this was long before Paul Prudhomme blackened them), but after a few years of the same thing (choices were limited, as they hadn’t invented shopping yet), the Babes were just a little bored with the shell necklace, but didn’t know how to say it, as complaining hadn’t been invented yet (though it wasn’t far off).

They Wanted A Party

But parties hadn’t been invented yet, either. Mostly when they wanted to have a good time they kind of jumped around the cave (dancing came right after this), bumping into each other and laughing when someone fell. Once in a while one of them (usually the Cave Babe) would break out in a series of melodic grunts, but it ended there, as Karaoke was a long way off. And no one had invented booze yet, so how good a party could they have, anyway?

That Kiss At Midnight

Who do you think invented that? The Cave Dude, that’s who. Admittedly, he was going for a head butt, as that’s how they showed affection back then, but somehow he came up short, and connected with the Cave Babe’s lips instead. Needless to say, no more head butts after that. Kissing caught on, and it remains, even today, one of the best things you can do with your clothes on (and it’s even better without them). Read the rest of this entry »

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-Roscoe

Written by: Roscoe

There Were Always Christmas Trees

Yes, pine trees were everywhere, even in Cave Man times, so it was really no trouble to get a Christmas Tree, even though there were no lots to go to (this was before anything was for sale, but just barely, because the sales gene was always there, but it remained dormant until Cave Babes demanded engagement rings from their suitors, and then the floodgates of sales were opened). Cave Dudes just sharpened up their stone axes and chopped down the tree that their Cave Babe liked.

So they Had The Tree…

But then they wondered what to do with it. Cave Dudes propped it up in the cave, and they looked at it for a while, and let’s face it, they were stumped until the Cave Kid said there should be something under it, but no one knew what (this was before presents, but again, just barely, because, well, if you’ve got a Christmas Tree, a Christmas present can’t be very far behind, can it?)

They Took Their Time

Despite what we might think, Cave People did not make hasty decisions. For one thing, they weren’t under any time pressure, because there were no clocks. And for another, there wasn’t any peer pressure because, well, there weren’t that many peers. And if there were a peer or two, say, another Cave Couple or a Cave Family, they didn’t live very close, so there was no “keeping up with the Joneses,” (but only because they didn’t have names yet). So they pondered. Cave Dudes actually pondered a lot, it was the precursor to naps, which is where the phrase “Let’s sleep on it” really started.

It Happened By Accident

As so much did back then. One day the Cave Kid was kicking rocks around in the cave, which was getting on the Cave Mom’s nerves (this was before they invented Valium), so she started yelling and the Cave Kid took off, but not before one of the Cave Dude’s spare clubs rolled under the tree. When the Cave Dude got home from work (they didn’t call it that yet, because they hadn’t invented jobs yet, but that was coming fast, because if you’ve got Christmas presents, you’ve got to have a job to pay for them) he saw the club under the tree and, since it was a spare that he hadn’t been able to find for a while, he naturally assumed it was a gift from his family. But since they hadn’t invented gifts yet, someone had to take the credit for it, and the Cave Babe wasn’t about to let the Cave Kid get any of it (she was still mad at the kid for getting on her nerves, remember?), so she let the Cave Dude think it was from her. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by: Roscoe

Ingredients:

Leftover bread stuffing
Filling of your choice
Olive oil, Worcestershire, Cholula

Just Like Meatballs, Only… Not

What do you do with leftover stuffing? It was so good, and yet… you can only eat so much stuffing. Roscoe’s answer: liven it up!

Put Something In The Middle, And Roll It Into A Ball

Flatten out some bread stuffing, like you’re making a meat patty. Put a piece of turkey in the middle, or some chopped up sundried tomatoes, or some sauteed mushrooms, or even some salami and artichoke heart. Then fold the stuffing into a ball around the filling.

Fry It Up

Olive oil, Worcestershire, and Cholula in a frying pan, drop the stuffing balls in, and crisp ‘em up. The breading will absorb some of the oil and seasoning, and you’ve got a delicious appetizer, or even a side dish for your open faced turkey sandwich with gravy.

More Leftovers With Roscoe

Written by: Roscoe

Ingredients:

Leftover turkey and carcass
Celery – 2 stalks, chopped; 2 stalks for stock
Carrots – 2, for stock
Red onion – 1 sliced; 1 chopped for stock
Okra – 1/2 to a pound, chopped
Red pepper – 1, chopped
Worcestershire, Cholula
Garlic
salt and pepper, cayenne, etc.
Red wine
Beer
Red wine vinegar
Vegetable oil and flour – for roux
Green onion – chopped, for garnish

A Thanksgiving Tradition

You thought gumbo was only for New Orleans? Not when you’re a Gumbo Master like Roscoe. Any time you have leftover turkey is the time for gumbo, and it happens every year, all you’ve got to do is get a couple links of kielbasa and you’re ready to go. Well, almost.

Turkey Carcass Makes The Best Stock

If you’ve been on this site at all, you know enough to be making your own stock from any bones you have left over from your fabulous meals. Just fill the pot with the carcass, even the neck and wing bones, even the giblets and livers, add cut up celery, carrots, onion and garlic, then water to the top, Worcestershire and Cholula (ROSCOE’S NOTE: Yes, it’s okay to use water here, we’re MAKING IT INTO STOCK, kind of like when Jesus turned the water into wine, only in our case, we have to do a little work to get it there; hey, even Roscoe can’t compare himself to God, though being a Gumbo Master is pretty close). Season it all up and bring to a boil. Then turn it down to a simmer, cover it and walk away. Give it a few hours, three is pretty good if you’ve got the time. Then strain it all and put it in the fridge. The next day skim the fat off, strain it again, and you’ve got the tastiest, silkiest stock you’ll ever see.

The Two Beer Roux

Vegetable oil and flour (3/4 cup each), stir over MEDIUM heat till it’s chocolate brown, usually about the time it takes to drink two beers, so keep them both close, you don’t want to be running to the fridge in the basement or the garage and let your roux burn (ROSCOE’S NOTE: You might want to have a backup stirrer if you really have to leave the stove). It’s a good idea to have all your vegetables chopped and ready to go as well, because once the roux is ready, you’ll want to get going. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by: Roscoe

Ingredients:

Leftover turkey – chopped up
Leftover sweet potatoes – diced
Red onion
Garlic
Olive oil, Worcestershire, and Cholula

It’s A Natural

Turkey and sweet potatoes go together like peanut butter and jelly, at least at Roscoe’s house. So if you’ve got both left over from your great Thanksgiving dinner, and you don’t want the same old, same old leftover dish, try something new for breakfast.

One Pan Does It

Saute’ some red onion and garlic in, what else, Olive oil, Worcestershire, and Cholula. Then add your diced up sweet potatoes and chopped turkey (equal amounts), mix it all together, and let it get crispy. Then move it to one side of your pan, mash it down, and fry your eggs in the empty space.

Lots Of Flavor

It’s double seasoned, of course, because the leftovers have all been seasoned once, the first time you cooked ‘em, and now you’re just adding the finishing touches (and you can’t really cook anything without seasoning it, can you? Just doesn’t feel right).

Eggs On Top

Just lay ‘em on, and let that delicious yolk saturate all the hash when you cut in for that first bite. Serve with toast, or even some re-toasted garlic bread, if there’s any left.

Good For Late Night, Too

And if you’re coming home from a night out, maybe a few drinks (it is, after all, the beginning of the Holiday season) and you’re suddenly hungry, this is pretty easy to whip up. And a little extra Cholula never hurts, either, after a few beers, because you’re having…

Thanksgiving Leftovers With Roscoe

Written by: Roscoe

Ingredients:

Sweet potatoes – sliced thin (figure one potato for 2 people)
Red onion – sliced thin (1 for every couple of potatoes)
Garlic – chopped (1 clove per potato)
Olive oil, Worcestershire, Cholula
Salt and pepper
Bourbon
Honey
Hot pepper jelly
Orange zest
Grated Cheese

What Do You Do With A Sweet Potato?

Your sister asks you to bring a sweet potato dish to Thanksgiving dinner. Easy, sweet potatoes are good all by themselves, all you have to do is bake ‘em, right? Well, Roscoe doesn’t take the easy way out, not when there’s flavor to be added.

Anyone Can Mash a Potato

And there’s nothing wrong with that. Mashed sweet potatoes are great, especially if you add a little bourbon (which just happens to go well with sweet potatoes, what a coincidence). But suppose you want to add some sweetness and tang?

First You Saute’

Slice up the red onion and saute’ it in olive oil, Worcestershire and Cholula. Season with salt and pepper and add the chopped garlic, about a clove per potato, then some dried cranberries (or a mixture of berries, raisins work well here, too), and a couple glugs of bourbon. Let the onions caramelize a little, then add some honey.

Here’s The Secret Ingredient:

A spoonful of hot pepper jelly. Mix it in with everything else, and…

Slice Your Potatoes Thin

As thin as you can get ‘em. Add them to the pan, keep mixing until all the potatoes are coated and warmed through, then zest in some orange peel.

Transfer To Casserole Dish

Don’t even bother to layer it, just dump the whole thing in. Then sprinkle with some good grated cheese and bake at 375 for 30 minutes.

Watch What Happens When People Taste It

They’re gonna look around to see if anyone else is having the same experience: a sweet and delicious party in your mouth.

There’s Only One Problem

You’ll probably have to make it every year now, or they won’t let you come to the dinner. But you can handle that, you’re…

Cookin’ With Roscoe

Written by: Roscoe

Roscoe’s Quick Tips for a Great Bird

Olive oil, Worcestershire, and Cholula. That’s right, start with Roscoe’s Trinity. Mix it up in a bowl and lather it all over your bird (after you wash and pat dry, of course), and don’t forget the inside. Then you can season it, Roscoe recommends a mix of salt and pepper, paprika, chili powder and/or whatever else you like. Easy, yes?

To Stuff or Not To Stuff, That Is the Question

These days, the Stuffing Police are out in force, telling everyone how dangerous it is to put your dressing in the actual bird and let it cook like that, with the stuffing touching the turkey and all those germs and all that bacteria just waiting to kill us as soon as we sit down to eat. Never mind that we might pray before we dine, bacteria beats prayer every day of the week, according to the Stuffing Police.

How Did We All Live This Long?

Our kids have to wear helmets every time they get on a bike, you can’t take a newborn home from the hospital without a special carseat (that costs a small fortune), and if there’s lead paint within a mile, we all die immediately. But wait! Some of us grew up without helmets, without carseats or seat belts, and we even sat in the front seat of a car before we were 24 years old! How did we live through dangerous times like that?! It must be a miracle. Maybe that’s why we celebrate Thanksgiving every year.

Roscoe Says Stuff the Bird

So anyway… Our mothers, and their mothers, and their mothers have been putting stuffing inside the turkey for decades and we’re still here. So if you want to stuff the bird, stuff it, and tell the Stuffing Police to stuff it themselves. The stuffing will benefit from the juices of the turkey breast, and besides that, it’s just plain fun.

The Cook's Best Friend: Olive Oil, Worcestershire, and Cholula

Everyone Has Their Own Favorite

There’s an old adage that says never discuss religion or politics in a bar. Roscoe adds one more topic: stuffing. Whether it be bread stuffing, rice stuffing, with sausage, with oysters, or even if it’s a bunch of White Castle hamburgers crumbled up and stuffed inside your turkey, everyone thinks their recipe is the best. And you know what? It is. Why do you think Thanksgiving eve is the biggest bar night in the country? Because all those guys are out there bragging about their stuffing. Yes, fights break out: “You saying your stuffing is better than my stuffing?” “Darn right, it is!” “Why you no good son of a b*%#h, I’ll kick your a#$ right now!” And then the cops come, and the wives have to bail their husbands out of jail, but they’re not even mad, because the guys just say: “I was defending your stuffing, honey.” And it’s all okay. That’s how important stuffing is. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by: Roscoe

Cave Men Had Lots To Be Thankful For

Though you wouldn’t think it to look at them. They didn’t have much in the way of clothes, as fashion hadn’t been invented yet, though Cave Babes were making headway in that direction, if only to tell their Cave Dude they didn’t like what he was wearing (hey, it all starts somewhere). And you’d think that living in a cave might make a guy (and his babe) a little edgy, but Cave Men considered their cave to be their castle, even though castles hadn’t been invented yet either (and, much like today, Cave Babes ran the household, even though equal pay for equal work wasn’t even a gleam in a feminist’s eye yet (or was it?).

They Were Glad To Be Alive

Cave Dudes ventured out every morning to support the family (even though jobs hadn’t been invented yet) and had to dodge dangerous beasts at every turn. They never knew when a nasty T-Rex would jump out at them from behind a mountain, or maybe a Sabertooth Tiger from behind a big rock. Often, it seemed, Cave Dudes were in competition with the beasts for the same food, and that didn’t make either of them very happy, as animals didn’t have rights then (Pam Anderson is just never around when you need her). So just making it home alive was cause for great joy back in those tough days (though the Cave Babe wasn’t too happy if her Dude came home empty handed, she wasn’t very sympathetic to his excuses: “Honey, I nailed that wild turkey with my spear, but a Sabertooth got to it before I did” just didn’t cut it with her, as there were no frozen dinners to fall back on; nagging was invented right around that time).

No Pilgrims Back Then

And a good thing, too, since Cave Men wouldn’t have worn those outfits if somebody’d paid ‘em (bribery hadn’t been invented yet, but as soon as it was, fashions began to change, why else would people have worn some of the clothes they did if someone didn’t pay them off? Unless it was their Babe making them do it, of course; how do you think ties got invented? Cave Babes needed something to grab on to to lead their Dudes to the mess they forgot to pick up).

They Always Had Turkeys

The question was, as it is today: Cook the stuffing IN the turkey, or on the side? See, there was no Stuffing Police back then to tell the Cave Dude that it was dangerous to stuff their bird, so he did what came naturally to all men: he filled the available pocket (even though pockets weren’t officially invented till much later). And oddly enough, no one died from it (kind of like today, except we hesitate to tell anyone that we stuff our turkeys, being in constant fear of the aforementioned Stuffing Police). Read the rest of this entry »