The First Meatloaf – History According to Roscoe

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Which Came Second?

Historians have long debated the Cave Man’s second meal, as it is universally agreed that the first was a salad, fruits and vegetables being easy to gather and eat raw, especially since fire hadn’t been invented yet to cook them. They didn’t even need a bowl, which was a good thing, because bowls hadn’t been invented yet, either. So Cave Men and Women subsisted on salad for years, maybe even centuries. But they knew they were missing something in their culinary experience, even though The Food Network hadn’t been invented yet to tell them.

The Debate Rages On: Soup or Meatloaf?

This was after fire, of course, because even though you can eat cold soup, who’d want to? And you’d almost think that meatloaf would win, because you don’t really need a pot to cook it in, just shape your dinosaur scraps into a loaf shape, and hold it over the fire. Somehow. Because no one is sure when the grill was invented. Sure, they had sticks, which is what they used to cook marshmallows (marshmallows were around a lot sooner than anyone thought), but it’s never been documented exactly when the Cave Dude figured out how to lay some metal over the fire so their food wouldn’t fall through (they tried with sticks, of course, but… well, you know what happened there, the sticks burned before the food was cooked, this being way before Weber came on the scene).

There Were Always Pots

Didn’t know that, did you? And though, again, no one really knows when the first pot was invented, we know that there were always flowers, and Cave Babes had to have something to put them in, so it only follows that pots were around pretty early, in a historical sense. Which, inadvertently caused…

The First Marital Spat

Even though marriage hadn’t been invented yet, mostly because there was no Las Vegas yet for Cave Dudes and Babes to elope to, man and woman were cohabiting (in Caves, of course). And one day a Cave Dude got a little tired of soup being the only hot meal, so out of frustration, he mashed all the leftovers together, some Sabertooth meat, a little Stegosaurus shoulder maybe, and looked around for something to cook it in. He spotted his Cave Babe’s flower pot (the Cave Babe being away at the time, even though minivans and beauty parlors hadn’t been invented yet), dumped it out, and stuffed his meat scraps into it, threw it on the fire, and as soon as it started to smell good, he knew he had something that would last for millenniums (even though Cave Dudes never thought in those terms, because calendars hadn’t been invented yet, nor historians who sat around reading books and telling everyone what happened before they were born).

The Cave Babe Wasn’t Happy

When she came home to the cave and found her flowers on the ground and her pot being used for something she’d never seen before, she got pretty mad (remember, all she knew at that time was salad and soup, and this was way before the Olive Garden was franchised). The Cave Dude didn’t know what to do in the face of this temperament (this was way before anyone knew about menstrual cycles, not that he’d have brought it up even if he’d known), so he gathered the flowers from the ground, bunched them together as best he could, and handed them to his crying Cave Babe. FTD was invented shortly after.

This Ain’t the Super Bowl

If you come in second place in most things, no one even remembers you were there. Third place, fuggedaboudit. But third place in all of history as we know it? (at least as Roscoe tells it), that ain’t so bad, my friends. Meatloaf’s been around a long time, and it looks like it’ll be around a lot longer. That’s why they invented the Meatloaf Pan. And let’s face it, when they invent a pan for it, it’s not going away.

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