Written by: Roscoe |  Print this post and share it with your buddies!

Cave Men Were A Surly Bunch

No surprise there. They didn’t have much to be happy about, since almost nothing had been invented yet. Nothing that we think of that usually makes a guy happy. No cars, no sports, no TV, no beer. It’s a wonder Cave Dudes didn’t just jump off a cliff to end it all.

None Of Us Would Be Here

But for some reason Cave Men didn’t just find a way to end it all, even though some of them probably wanted to. But in reality, suicide hadn’t been invented yet, so they didn’t even know they could.

A Reason To Live

This is no Adam and Eve story, even though there were lots of snakes back in Cave Man times. Cave Dudes would generally keep to themselves, because there were no sports bars. They would see each other around the jungle sometimes, hunting the same animals, but all they really did was wave to each other on occasion (waving was always around, mostly because they had no language yet, and even if they had, Cave Dudes weren’t much on conversation, so… they waved and that was it).

Cave Women

How did the first one get there? Despite what Darwin says, no one really knows. She was just there. A Cave Dude thought he was waving to another Cave Dude one time, but got the surprise of his life when the Cave Babe took it as a signal to come closer (no Cave Dude had ever done that before, they just waved and moved on). And when she got close enough, the Cave Dude knew his life had changed, irrevocably, for better or worse (which is where that part of the traditional marriage vows came from, only no one knew it yet).

No Pick-Up Lines

The Cave Dude didn’t really know what to say to the first Cave Babe he saw, but that wasn’t really a bad thing, since there was no language yet anyway, and there were certainly no singles bars for him to practice his lines. Even so, there was a lot of body language, even though most of the body back then was covered with hair (women too, as beauty salons hadn’t been invented yet, nor Lady Shick). But the Cave Dude liked what he saw, and knew immediately that he wanted to see it again (stalkers hadn’t been invented yet, so he wasn’t worried about a restraining order).

She Liked Him

Again, since we’re telling the truth here, the Cave Babe kinda liked what she saw, too (and a good thing it was, or none of us would be here). So they flirted (flirting having just been invented, certainly out of necessity; isn’t that how most things were invented?).

Maybe They Even Touched

Sure, that first touch was probably a little tentative, but they’d both probably seen animals snuggling up with each other, so there was precedent. Attraction beat fear that time, and we’re all better for it (better? hell, we’re here, aren’t we?).

One Touch Led To Another

And pretty soon they were living together (in a Cave, of course). Marriage hadn’t been invented yet, so neither of their sets of parents could object, but you can see that this is where in-laws started (but that’s for another blog).

Not Really A Date, Was It?

No, but that’s only because they hadn’t invented restaurants yet. Or movies. That all came later, as we certainly know, right after jobs were invented (there had to be a way to pay for dates, right?). And there had to be something to do on a date, because political correctness was around a lot sooner than we really want to admit, and a lot of touching just wasn’t gonna cut it (for the Babe; men would have been very happy with touching all night, we all know that).

Who Invented Dancing?

Had to be the Cave Woman. Cave Dudes never would have started dancing if they didn’t have to, because there was no music yet, so there was no point in moving around to a non-existent beat. But again, they liked it when the Cave Babe did it (Cave Babes didn’t need the music), so they invented music in order to not feel so silly when they danced with her.

The Three Date Rule

No one knows who made that up, either, but you know it wasn’t the Dude. In the first place, neither numbers nor counting had been invented yet, so this really confused the Cave Dude when he couldn’t quite get past first base right away (Baseball was around a lot sooner than we knew, but they didn’t call it that because it was played with rocks). So frustration was invented (right away), but not cell phones, so the Cave Dude couldn’t call for another date, he had to run into the Cave Babe again, and then again, to get past the Three Date Rule (rules were invented as soon as women met men).

Dating Became A Ritual

Cave Dudes and Babes got used to it, so they kept the custom alive, as we do today. If not for that first date by that first Cave Dude and Cave Babe, we wouldn’t have dating today. But one thing’s for sure: we’d still have rules.