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Cave Men Were Romantic

Though it’s not very well known, because sappy greeting cards hadn’t been invented yet. But Cave Dudes always brought flowers home to their Cave Babes. And they’d pick them themselves, because, of course, there were no Florists yet. Here’s a little known fact: one of the first businesses to open was, in fact, a Florist. One day a Cave Dude was out job hunting (jobs, in fact, hadn’t been invented yet either, but this Dude had just gotten a lecture -lectures were always around- from his Babe about how he was spending too much time around the cave doing nothing and supplies were running low with no way to barter with other Cave Dudes, so he took off in search of a way to make it happen).

Flowers Were Everywhere

There were no cities yet, so fauna and flora were easily obtainable, growing wild pretty much everywhere, and the Cave Dude was trying to think of a way to get back in the good graces of his Cave Babe, so he picked some flowers (women have always liked flowers) as a peace offering. Then it hit him: he could kill two birds with one stone (a regular event for a Cave Dude, they were excellent marksmen with stones, that’s where the phrase came from) by gathering up all the flowers in the area (a monopoly, though unscrupulous business practices hadn’t been invented yet). Other Cave Dudes saw how convenient this would be (no more gathering flowers themselves every time their own Cave Babes were unhappy with them), and Florists were invented.

Valentine’s Day

Even though they didn’t know about Saint Valentine yet, the patron saint of lovers, Cave Babes were always unhappy around this particular time of year. They felt neglected from a whole season of their Cave Men playing football. Yes, there was football back then, except it wasn’t called that. It wasn’t called anything, really, because language hadn’t been invented yet, but Cave Dudes would grunt to each other and point to a rock whenever they wanted to play. It was more like Rockball. A form of Dodgeball, only with rocks. Cave Dudes loved it, and the season got to be pretty long, bringing them right to their own Super Bowl (of course it wasn’t called the Super Bowl then, anybody knows that). And this was a brutal affair: rocks flying everywhere, even hitting Cave dudes in the head. Let’s face it, the last Dudes standing were pretty happy, because, well, the ones that weren’t standing were either maimed or dead. And no one had health insurance back then, because Obama hadn’t been elected President (and they say Cave Men were stupid).

Cave Babes Liked Getting Gifts

Duh! They especially liked getting gifts because shopping hadn’t been invented yet (though this was imminent: as the gifts dropped off – a natural occurence in a relationship – Cave Babes decided to get gifts for themselves, and shopping was invented).

So A Special Day Was Set Aside

It wasn’t called Valentine’s Day, because Cave Dudes weren’t label oriented, they just wanted to live in peace with their Cave Babes until the next football season started. And, as mentioned above, Cave Babes were unhappy, a little moody perhaps, and let’s face it, they were withholding certain… favors. Not a good thing for a Cave Man, or any man, for that matter, which is why chocolate was invented pretty soon after.

The Tradition Lives On

That’s pretty much why we have Valentine’s Day, only today it goes both ways: women can buy men gifts, too, to show how much they care. Cave Babes did it, but their selection of gifts was limited. Mostly just different rocks to choose from. Then again, maybe things haven’t changed much: give a guy a rock today, he’d probably be happy. As long as his Babe doesn’t throw it.