Written by: Roscoe |  Print this post and share it with your buddies!

Cave Men Had Lots To Be Thankful For

Though you wouldn’t think it to look at them. They didn’t have much in the way of clothes, as fashion hadn’t been invented yet, though Cave Babes were making headway in that direction, if only to tell their Cave Dude they didn’t like what he was wearing (hey, it all starts somewhere). And you’d think that living in a cave might make a guy (and his babe) a little edgy, but Cave Men considered their cave to be their castle, even though castles hadn’t been invented yet either (and, much like today, Cave Babes ran the household, even though equal pay for equal work wasn’t even a gleam in a feminist’s eye yet (or was it?).

They Were Glad To Be Alive

Cave Dudes ventured out every morning to support the family (even though jobs hadn’t been invented yet) and had to dodge dangerous beasts at every turn. They never knew when a nasty T-Rex would jump out at them from behind a mountain, or maybe a Sabertooth Tiger from behind a big rock. Often, it seemed, Cave Dudes were in competition with the beasts for the same food, and that didn’t make either of them very happy, as animals didn’t have rights then (Pam Anderson is just never around when you need her). So just making it home alive was cause for great joy back in those tough days (though the Cave Babe wasn’t too happy if her Dude came home empty handed, she wasn’t very sympathetic to his excuses: “Honey, I nailed that wild turkey with my spear, but a Sabertooth got to it before I did” just didn’t cut it with her, as there were no frozen dinners to fall back on; nagging was invented right around that time).

No Pilgrims Back Then

And a good thing, too, since Cave Men wouldn’t have worn those outfits if somebody’d paid ‘em (bribery hadn’t been invented yet, but as soon as it was, fashions began to change, why else would people have worn some of the clothes they did if someone didn’t pay them off? Unless it was their Babe making them do it, of course; how do you think ties got invented? Cave Babes needed something to grab on to to lead their Dudes to the mess they forgot to pick up).

They Always Had Turkeys

The question was, as it is today: Cook the stuffing IN the turkey, or on the side? See, there was no Stuffing Police back then to tell the Cave Dude that it was dangerous to stuff their bird, so he did what came naturally to all men: he filled the available pocket (even though pockets weren’t officially invented till much later). And oddly enough, no one died from it (kind of like today, except we hesitate to tell anyone that we stuff our turkeys, being in constant fear of the aforementioned Stuffing Police).

Pumpkin Pie Was A Favorite

It was a little different back then, though, since there were no ovens to bake a pie in. So Cave Babes used all their ingenuity (ingenuity was always around, had to be, otherwise nothing would ever have been invented), and got the pumpkin filling into a dough (dough was different then, too, it was much heavier, as Pillsbury wouldn’t be around for a long time, and they had to use rocks to pound the grain into flour and sometimes a few pebbles were left in, which led to a few cracked teeth, which eventually led to… Dentists), and let it bake by the fire and that was probably the first desert, though they didn’t know it then.

They Prayed Then, Too

Before their meal, they offered up a prayer of thanks to their God (they knew there was a God even then, figured there had to be, who else could have invented all the stuff that was already there? ROSCOE’S NOTE: Cave Men could pray any time they wanted to, as there were no Prayer Police yet to tell them about the Separation of Church and State clause in the Constitution; but here’s the thing: the point of this whole Cave Man blog is to show that Cave Men were a lot smarter than we give them credit for, so they would have actually read the Constitution, and they’d have known that there is no Separation of Church and State declared in the First Amendment; but that’s another blog entirely), and then they devoured the turkey and the pie, and the yams (if they couldn’t find yams, they got frustrated and mashed up a bunch of regular potatoes with their clubs – the first potato mashers, a little messy, but effective – but they didn’t really like mashed potatoes because gravy hadn’t been invented yet; it was the next year, though). And after they stuffed themselves, they were so happy with it all that they decided to do it again. In a year. (They had to invent a calendar, though, to tell them when a year was up.)

We Do It Much The Same Way Today

Except it’s a little easier, what with all the modern conveniences we have: ovens, microwaves, smokers, fryers, stoves, pots and pans, silverware. And we’re probably just as happy as the Cave Dudes were, if not happier, because at least we don’t have to battle a Sabertooth Tiger for our turkey. That’s why they invented Supermarkets.

Happy Thanksgiving from Cookin’ With Roscoe