Written by: Roscoe |  Print this post and share it with your buddies!

There Were Always Christmas Trees

Yes, pine trees were everywhere, even in Cave Man times, so it was really no trouble to get a Christmas Tree, even though there were no lots to go to (this was before anything was for sale, but just barely, because the sales gene was always there, but it remained dormant until Cave Babes demanded engagement rings from their suitors, and then the floodgates of sales were opened). Cave Dudes just sharpened up their stone axes and chopped down the tree that their Cave Babe liked.

So they Had The Tree…

But then they wondered what to do with it. Cave Dudes propped it up in the cave, and they looked at it for a while, and let’s face it, they were stumped until the Cave Kid said there should be something under it, but no one knew what (this was before presents, but again, just barely, because, well, if you’ve got a Christmas Tree, a Christmas present can’t be very far behind, can it?)

They Took Their Time

Despite what we might think, Cave People did not make hasty decisions. For one thing, they weren’t under any time pressure, because there were no clocks. And for another, there wasn’t any peer pressure because, well, there weren’t that many peers. And if there were a peer or two, say, another Cave Couple or a Cave Family, they didn’t live very close, so there was no “keeping up with the Joneses,” (but only because they didn’t have names yet). So they pondered. Cave Dudes actually pondered a lot, it was the precursor to naps, which is where the phrase “Let’s sleep on it” really started.

It Happened By Accident

As so much did back then. One day the Cave Kid was kicking rocks around in the cave, which was getting on the Cave Mom’s nerves (this was before they invented Valium), so she started yelling and the Cave Kid took off, but not before one of the Cave Dude’s spare clubs rolled under the tree. When the Cave Dude got home from work (they didn’t call it that yet, because they hadn’t invented jobs yet, but that was coming fast, because if you’ve got Christmas presents, you’ve got to have a job to pay for them) he saw the club under the tree and, since it was a spare that he hadn’t been able to find for a while, he naturally assumed it was a gift from his family. But since they hadn’t invented gifts yet, someone had to take the credit for it, and the Cave Babe wasn’t about to let the Cave Kid get any of it (she was still mad at the kid for getting on her nerves, remember?), so she let the Cave Dude think it was from her.

He Had To Reciprocate

So the next day he got up, pretending to go to work (it was easy to pretend, because they hadn’t invented bosses yet, except for, well, the Cave Babe), and instead rushed out to the river and got some shells, tied them together into a necklace, and snuck it under the tree when the Cave Babe was out getting a pedicure (there were always pedicures, see (Cave) Man’s Best Friend). The Cave Babe was pretty impressed, but then right away felt guilty (there was always guilt) about there being nothing under the tree for the Cave Kid (she was over her nerves now because the Cave Kid hadn’t come back in a while, but she wasn’t worried because this was way before Amber Alerts).

No Bikes Yet

Bikes were way in the future (heck, they hadn’t even invented the wheel yet) so the Cave Parents were kind of stumped. And they hadn’t invented pets yet, either, so a puppy never even entered their minds (yes, there were puppies then, there were always puppies, and yes, puppies came first, don’t make this into a “chicken and the egg” thing).

Then Inspiration Hit

The Cave Dad ran out of the cave and picked up the first rock he could find, because he knew the Cave Kid loved rocks – loved to kick them, throw them, even tried eating them (there were no Dentists to tell him not to) – so the perfect gift was… a rock. Admittedly, it didn’t look like much, and they would have wrapped it, but they hadn’t invented wrapping paper yet, so it had to do.

The Kid Loved It

Of course he did, kids were happy with simple things until they invented batteries, which was a long way off.

They Didn’t Call It Christmas

Mostly because they didn’t really talk yet, just grunts and guttural noises, a few hand gestures and maybe a wave or two when they said goodbye. But they had a Christmas Tree and presents under it, so they decided to do the same thing every year (calendars came shortly after this, so it was easier to keep track).

We Have The Cave Man To Thank

So for all those people out there who think we don’t need Christmas, that it’s gotten so commercialized and we’ve lost the spirit that it represents, just think about the Cave Man. Even he knew we needed it, that it would enrich our lives and bring us closer together. And so what if we put gifts on credit cards and go into debt every year so our spouses and kids and parents and brothers and sisters and friends know we love ‘em.

Times Have Changed

We can’t give ‘em rocks.

Merry Christmas From CookinWithRoscoe

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-Roscoe