Written by: Roscoe |  Print this post and share it with your buddies!

Or… Roscoe’s Theory: Why Men Do What They Do

Let’s face it, if we really knew why we do certain things, life would be a lot simpler. That’s why they invented shrinks. The problem there is: shrinks don’t know, either. It’s all a theory. And whoever’s got the most popular theory at any given time is the one we seem to follow. For a while. Until the next shrink comes along with his or her own theory that sounds better than the last theory. And the cycle starts again.

No One’s Ever Cured

Funny, isn’t it, that you go to a therapist for your certain problem (in actuality, it’s the problem your wife or girlfriend or babe of the moment tells you you have), you ask how long it’ll take to cure it, and they tell you “it’s an ongoing process.” Why? Because as soon as they cure your problem, they’re out of a job! So nobody’s problem, or condition, is ever really cured, it’s just followed until it leads to the next problem or condition. You end up tracing your condition all the way to childhood, where the only problem anyone really had was when is mom gonna make the next meal? Doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense, does it?

The First Problem For The First Cave Man

Might as well start at the beginning. You think the first Cave Man had any problems? Life was probably pretty simple back then. The Cave Dude just laid around (even though there was no TV yet) till he got hungry, then went and killed something, and ate it. He was probably happy. They hadn’t invented cooking yet, so he didn’t have to cook, and didn’t have to clean anything up, ’cause there were no houses then, only caves, and the cave was already dirty, so why bother? So when did the first problem happen?

What Changed It All?

Easy answer: Cave Women. As soon as Cave Dudes competed for the attention of the Cave Babes, life changed forever. The first time a Cave Dude ever brought a Cave Babe into his cave to get out of the rain, he thought she’d be happy. No chance. She looked around and said “Don’t you clean this place? I’m not staying in here until you at least sweep the floor.” The Cave Dude was confused, of course, because he could see that no matter how hard he swept the floor to please the Cave Babe, it was still gonna end up dirt.

So He Tried To Trick Her

Big mistake. The Cave Dude knew that Cave Babes only ate berries and stuff, so he thought he’d impress her by offering some of the beast he’d recently killed. “That’s raw!” she said. “I’m not eating that!”

So He Invented Fire

And that solved two problems, it cooked the meat, and kept the cave warm at night, so the Cave Dude was doing pretty well with his Babe. For a while. He was content, because even though life was a little more complicated, all he really had to do was hang around (still no TV though) until they both got hungry, then he’d kill something, start a fire and cook it up.

But Somehow That Wasn’t Enough

The Cave Babe wasn’t too thrilled with the Cave Man just hanging around all the time, ’cause even though he provided food and warmth, it seemed she was always the one who did the cleaning (and remember, it never ended because caves were dirty to begin with). So you know what’s coming…

The Cave Man Had To Get A Job

Not that he wanted one, but he had to prove to the Cave Babe that he was doing something every day. That’s really where the saying “Bring home the bacon” started. Except back then it was more like “Bring home the dinosaur.” Small ones, of course, because he couldn’t kill the big ones until he invented the gun.

Are You Getting The Picture?

Everything men do, they do for women. Even when they’re cooking for men. Because if you adhere to the above theory, you see that men would never have started cooking to begin with, they only did it so their Babe would eat their food.

It’s Just A Theory

But it seems as good as any other, since no one can prove that it didn’t really happen that way. So next time your wife, girlfriend, or babe or the moment lets you know, in her own sweet way, that you could be doing a little better, just remember…

It’s Not Your Fault

It was that stupid Cave Man that ruined it all.