Written by: Roscoe |  Print this post and share it with your buddies!

Life Wasn’t Easy

Cave Men were pretty macho guys. They had to be tough, what with all the dangerous animals around: Sabertooth Tigers, Woolly Mammoths, and they were always dodging that pesky T-Rex (they weren’t scared, but they weren’t stupid, either, we just think they were because they hadn’t invented college yet).

There’s A First time for Everything

Ain’t that the truth. Some first times are memorable, some we’d rather forget. But when the first Cave Dude shed the first tear he wasn’t getting emotional over some Cave Babe who jilted him for a hairier Dude (actually, all the Cave Men were pretty hairy, as they hadn’t invented barbers yet, and more hair on a Dude was thought to be a sign of virility, so naturally, Cave Babes leaned in that direction; until they invented paychecks, at which time hair became a secondary attraction to income).

It’s Not In The History Books

There’s no written record of any Cave Dude crying. But… there are ancient carvings and drawings of teardrops. Oddly enough, these drawings are right beside drawings of onions. There were always onions, but no one knew what to do with them for a long time. Cave Dudes and Cave Babes would pass by onion fields and wonder what to do with all those round, smelly objects. Fortunately, this was before they invented perfume, or Cave Babes might have taken the onion in that direction. And Cave Dudes thought about using them as baseballs (baseball was around a lot earlier than we thought, despite what Abner Doubleday says), but when they smacked them with their clubs the onions shattered and it was pointless to try to get to first base (just as it was with some Cave Babes). And that’s when Cave Men started crying.

They Picked Up The Pieces

Cave Babes were a lot neater than Cave Dudes (even though this was well before they invented housecleaning – they lived in caves, remember?), and they made the Dudes take the onion pieces home with them so there wouldn’t be a mess in the jungle (even though litter hadn’t been invented yet, Cave Babes knew they didn’t want it around). Cave Dudes would put the onion pieces in their pockets (there were always pockets, even in loincloths) and walk home. Wiping tears from their eyes as the aroma wafted out and up.

No Medical Coverage Yet

Doctors hadn’t been invented yet, so the Cave Dude didn’t know where to go to find out what was wrong with his eyes. But instinct took over, and as soon as he got home, he emptied his pockets, threw the onions into the fire, figuring this would destroy the source of his discomfort (guess he didn’t really need a doctor after all, which is why they weren’t invented until much later, when Cave Babes needed an OBGYN).

A Strange Thing Happened

The onion started to cook, and the smell changed into aroma, which made the Cave Dude want to taste it, and the rest is history: almost everything we cook is better with onion flavor of some kind. So Cave Dudes kept cooking with onions, but to this day we still can’t figure out how not to cry when we slice them.

The Onion Almost Always Wins

It beat the Cave Man, and it beats us. But crying over an onion is a far cry from crying over a sad movie, though both make us want to cover it up and pretend it never happened (which is really why they turn the lights down in movie theaters). But you can’t cook without onions (or Cholula, but that’s another blog), so we just have to put up with the tears. Just remember: when onions make you cry…

You’re Cookin’ With Roscoe

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-Roscoe