Another Cave Man Spring – More History According to Roscoe

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Cooped Up All Winter

At least we’ve got TV. What do you think the Cave Man did all winter in that cave while the frigid air howled and the snow fell and the ice formed (this was all before Global Warming, of course, because Al Gore hadn’t been invented yet, or rather, born). No cable, no DVD, no internet (again, no Al Gore yet). And there was his Cave Babe, dressed in only leopard print (this is way before Victoria’s Secret, but trust us, it’s where they got the idea). And they hadn’t even invented language yet, so there wasn’t a lot of talking.

The First Kiss

Some say this is when it happened. Arguable, of course, as others will insist on a location in Paris, or some romantic canal in Venice, maybe, but everyone knows Paris hadn’t been invented yet, and let’s face it, the kiss had to come along well before the canoe.

Lipstick Was Invented

It happened right away, as the Cave Babe had to have a way to keep her lips soft and moist for the next kiss (yes, she liked it). The color was kind of an accident, as the first Cave Babes tried different things, like tree sap, which was a little too sticky, then campfire ashes, which were too dry, but they kind of liked the color it gave to their lips, so they immediately went to fruit, tried a few different varieties, and decided they liked the red best, probably from smearing strawberry or grapes on their mouths and shortly after that make-up was invented.

Next Came Perfume

Here’s how it happened: The Cave Babe was getting really nauseous from the smell in the cave all winter long (they hadn’t invented deodorant yet), so when the weather finally broke and they could go outside, the first thing Cave Babes noticed was the smell of flowers. So they gathered bunches of flowers, set them all over the cave, and it started to smell a lot better. Then, after a couple futile attempts at more kissing by the Cave Dude, and the repeated rejections by the Cave Babe (see what happens when you don’t use deodorant all winter?), the Cave Babe made the Cave Dude take a bath (in the nearest river, tubs hadn’t been invented yet), and then rubbed some flower pedals under his arms. Cave Dudes thought this was a kind of foreplay, so they did the same to the Cave Babe, and in about nine months there were little Cave Babies.

They Looked Forward to Spring, Just Like We Do

What guy wouldn’t, given all that rubbing? And contrary to popular opinion, Cave Dudes weren’t dumb. They hadn’t invented college yet, but you don’t need a college degree to figure out that women like things that smell good. FTD wasn’t far behind. And the first perfume counter was held over a rock (they hadn’t even thought of Sephora yet).

No Baseball Yet

As soon as Cave Dudes could get out of the cave on a regular basis, they started throwing rocks to each other. Then they would hit rocks with their clubs (they always had clubs, never went anywhere without a club, just in case a Sabertooth jumped out at them from behind a rock; or a single Cave Babe, romance was brutal back then), and baseball wasn’t far behind (Abner Doubleday’s ancestors were Cave Men, had to be).

And If You’ve Got Clubs…

Sooner or later you’re gonna have golf. Before they all had to get jobs, Cave Dudes hung out and played their own version of golf, hitting rocks with their clubs and trying to make the rocks land in holes. Sometimes a dinosaur would get in the way, and the game would be postponed, but they didn’t really care, they all just went to the nearest cave to hang out, and that’s how bars got invented. And when the Cave Babes asked where they’d been when they came home, and the inevitable answer was “I stopped for a cold one” (an instinctive response even back then), they knew water just didn’t cut it, so they invented beer.

Then Came Jobs

Which, truthfully, put a damper on the joys of spring. But once you’ve got Babes and flowers and perfume, not to mention baseball and golf, pretty soon there’s gotta be a way to pay for it all. So Cave Men went to work every day (they didn’t call it that, it was more that they just got up in the morning and went out to catch animals for food and trade, but then one day when a Dude was a little slow getting out, his Cave Babe said “Don’t even think about staying in this cave today,” and the look on her face let him know he’d better get going, and his throat got all tight and he meant to say “What do you mean?” But it came out all garbled, sounded like “Worrrrkk?” And it kind of got stuck in his mind like that. They invented dictionaries a little later, and that was one of the first words they put in).

So Enjoy Spring While You Can

Cave Dudes loved it, and so should we. Because they knew something even before we knew it. After spring comes summer. And that’s when they invented the bikini.

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