Written by: Roscoe

Winters Were Brutal

You think it was easy to keep a cave warm all winter when they hadn’t invented the furnace yet? Sure, Cave Dudes invented fire right away, they had to, but it was still a major pain to get one going because the match was a ways off (a couple of centuries, to be exact).

One Good Thing Came of it, Though

Since it was difficult to keep warm, and activities were limited for the Cave Family because no one had invented the television yet, there were only a few things they could do to get them through a cold night, and the best one actually helped to keep both the Cave Dude and the Cave Babe warm. You’ve probably guessed it, the same thing we do today when we have a power outage and can’t watch TV. And the proof is in the population explosion every nine months after a major power outage. That’s right, more kids are born. Well, Cave Dudes and Babes did the same thing.

Spring Was A Happy Time

Whether they were happy about the change in the weather, or the new arrival of the Cave Baby doesn’t really matter (probably a little of both, though we’ll never really know for sure, because but no one was taking polls back then). But they had to be happy. Who wouldn’t be? The ice was melting and they could get out of the cave and do things. The Cave Dude could get his clubs ready for golf (golf was around back then, though they didn’t call it that – mostly because they didn’t have language yet – but even back then guys couldn’t wait to get out there and hit some rocks with the clubs they’d been staring at all winter). And Cave Babes could get out and go shopping. Oh, it wasn’t called shopping yet (yes, the language thing), but that’s what it was: women wandering about picking out new things for the cave, tired of looking at the same stuff all winter. Unfortunately for the Cave Dude, this was the precursor to jobs, because once you’ve got shopping, there’s got to be a way to pay for the new stuff.

Spring Cleaning Hadn’t Been Invented Yet

Yes, they had a lot of dirt, but that’s about all they had. No hardwood floors, no wall-to-wall carpet, and certainly no vacuums. They didn’t even have a broom back then (brooms were invented quite a bit later, right after floors). So cleaning wasn’t really a priority, though it wasn’t too far off (as soon as Cave Dudes got jobs and went off to work every day, Cave Babes had to have something to complain about when their Dude returned, so they invented cleaning, as in: “Sure, you come home and expect supper on the table like I’ve got nothing else to do but cook for you. Who do you think cleans this place all day while you’re gone?” Even though you couldn’t really tell, because, well… there was still dirt everywhere. But it worked. Pretty soon someone invented housekeepers, and the Cave Dude had to get a second job). Read the rest of this entry »

If you're new here, head on over to my forums, create an account and mix with the rest of the group. You also may want to subscribe to my RSS feed for when I add more recipes and cool guy food stuff. Thanks for visiting!

-Roscoe

Written by: Roscoe

Ingredients:

Leftover pork chops
Leftover kielbasa
Cheese (Swiss or Provolone)
pickle
red cabbage or cole slaw
mustard
A good roll

What’s The Ultimate?

Hey, a Pork Chop Sandwich can be as easy as a pork chop between two slices of bread. It gets better incrementally as you add mustard, cheese, pickle, dressing of some kind, maybe cole slaw, or, in the case of Roscoe’s Ultimate: red cabbage and kielbasa.

That’s Right: Kielbasa

There are those that might quibble about a Pork Chop Sandwich with kielbasa not really being a pork chop sandwich at all. And those quibblers might have a case. To that we say…

Get Your Own Web Site

We’re Cookin’ With Roscoe here, and if you’ve been around any amount of time, you know that Roscoe believes in kielbasa, so get over it. And those of you that have been around even a little while also know that Roscoe is usually right (despite the hysterical claims of various ex-wives). Like Roscoe’s Trilogy (olive oil, Worcestershire and Cholula), kielbasa always makes things taste better (witness Roscoe’s turkey/kielbasa chili, or the world renowned Kielbasa Reuben, hard to beat either of those).

So Don’t Settle, Go For The Ultimate Read the rest of this entry »

Written by: Roscoe

Cave Men Were Romantic

Though it’s not very well known, because sappy greeting cards hadn’t been invented yet. But Cave Dudes always brought flowers home to their Cave Babes. And they’d pick them themselves, because, of course, there were no Florists yet. Here’s a little known fact: one of the first businesses to open was, in fact, a Florist. One day a Cave Dude was out job hunting (jobs, in fact, hadn’t been invented yet either, but this Dude had just gotten a lecture -lectures were always around- from his Babe about how he was spending too much time around the cave doing nothing and supplies were running low with no way to barter with other Cave Dudes, so he took off in search of a way to make it happen).

Flowers Were Everywhere

There were no cities yet, so fauna and flora were easily obtainable, growing wild pretty much everywhere, and the Cave Dude was trying to think of a way to get back in the good graces of his Cave Babe, so he picked some flowers (women have always liked flowers) as a peace offering. Then it hit him: he could kill two birds with one stone (a regular event for a Cave Dude, they were excellent marksmen with stones, that’s where the phrase came from) by gathering up all the flowers in the area (a monopoly, though unscrupulous business practices hadn’t been invented yet). Other Cave Dudes saw how convenient this would be (no more gathering flowers themselves every time their own Cave Babes were unhappy with them), and Florists were invented.

Valentine’s Day

Even though they didn’t know about Saint Valentine yet, the patron saint of lovers, Cave Babes were always unhappy around this particular time of year. They felt neglected from a whole season of their Cave Men playing football. Yes, there was football back then, except it wasn’t called that. It wasn’t called anything, really, because language hadn’t been invented yet, but Cave Dudes would grunt to each other and point to a rock whenever they wanted to play. It was more like Rockball. A form of Dodgeball, only with rocks. Cave Dudes loved it, and the season got to be pretty long, bringing them right to their own Super Bowl (of course it wasn’t called the Super Bowl then, anybody knows that). And this was a brutal affair: rocks flying everywhere, even hitting Cave dudes in the head. Let’s face it, the last Dudes standing were pretty happy, because, well, the ones that weren’t standing were either maimed or dead. And no one had health insurance back then, because Obama hadn’t been elected President (and they say Cave Men were stupid).

Cave Babes Liked Getting Gifts

Duh! They especially liked getting gifts because shopping hadn’t been invented yet (though this was imminent: as the gifts dropped off – a natural occurence in a relationship – Cave Babes decided to get gifts for themselves, and shopping was invented).

So A Special Day Was Set Aside

It wasn’t called Valentine’s Day, because Cave Dudes weren’t label oriented, they just wanted to live in peace with their Cave Babes until the next football season started. And, as mentioned above, Cave Babes were unhappy, a little moody perhaps, and let’s face it, they were withholding certain… favors. Not a good thing for a Cave Man, or any man, for that matter, which is why chocolate was invented pretty soon after.

The Tradition Lives On

That’s pretty much why we have Valentine’s Day, only today it goes both ways: women can buy men gifts, too, to show how much they care. Cave Babes did it, but their selection of gifts was limited. Mostly just different rocks to choose from. Then again, maybe things haven’t changed much: give a guy a rock today, he’d probably be happy. As long as his Babe doesn’t throw it.

Written by: Roscoe

Ingredients:

About a dozen good sized shrimp, peeled and deveined
1 can (8 oz) chopped or diced tomatoes
2 cloves garlic
a couple shallots, chopped, or 1/2 red onion

1/2 lb whole wheat cappellini

Pecorino Romano cheese

olive oil, Cholula, Worcestershire
Wine (red or white for shrimp)
Italian herbs
Red Wine (for dinner)
Garlic Bread
Ice Cream, berries, chocolate (for dessert)

Cook For Your Babe on Valentine’s Day

Any common fool can take his girl out to eat for Valentine’s Day. But if you really want to impress her, let her know that you really care and want her to know that you’ll always go that extra mile for her (whether you do or not, you’ve at least got to act like it), you’ll get a lot more mileage if you cook the dinner yourself (hey, this isn’t Restaurants With Roscoe, it’s Cookin’ With Roscoe).

Italian Always Works

It’s romantic, of course: simple setting, nice white tablecloth, or maybe the classic Italian red and white checks, candles, good pasta, red wine, sweet dessert. What could be better to get someone in the mood for love? (Besides winning the lottery, but that’s for another blog).

And You Can Do It Yourself

Turn the lights down low, maybe light a candle, put on some good music, Dean or Frank, and whatever you do, don’t use paper plates. You’ll be in like Flint.

Shrimp and Pasta

Don’t tell anyone, but shrimp is easy to cook. Sautee’d for a couple minutes in olive oil and garlic, it’s as simple as it gets. Add some chopped shallot or red onion, then some diced tomatoes, drizzle it with a little honey and sprinkle in some herbs, and let it simmer. If you don’t want to start from scratch, just use your favorite red sauce in a jar, no one’ll ever know (“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” doesn’t only work in the Military). And don’t forget, when you boil the pasta (whole wheat cappellini works well here), add a bouillon cube to the water, and some olive oil, Worcestershire, and Cholula, to make it taste good. When everything’s ready, dump the pasta into the sauce, mix well, then serve it up on a nice platter with some shredded Pecorino Romano or Parmesan. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by: Roscoe

Oughtta Be A National Holiday

Or at least the day after should be. Actually, that’s when you really need a day off, after you eat, drink, shout and smoke half the night you need about a day to recover. But no…

Gotta Have Good Food

Beer is mandatory, don’t even have to mention that. And some good bourbon and lemonade never hurt anyone, either. But the main attraction for any Super Bowl get together is the food.

Biggest Pizza Day of the Year

Every local delivery place lives for Super Bowl Sunday, and well they should, pizza being quite possibly one of God’s perfect foods. And if that’s what you want to do, go ahead, order up.

Roscoe Does It Differently

Here at Club Roscoe, we cook. Roscoe will put his pizza up against anyone’s (bring it on, Bobby Flay). But for Super Bowl this year, it’s another theme…

Chili

Yes, another staple of the Super Bowl. And there’s a good reason: you can make it ahead of time and the host can enjoy food, drink, cigars, and the game along with everyone else. Just leave it on low and set a ladle next to a stack of bowls, and let everyone help themselves. Maybe some warm, crusty bread to go with it, or…

Chili Dogs

Grill up some dogs before the game starts, put ‘em in a foil tray next to the chili, and let the magic happen. Nothing like a good chili dog, and we’re not talkin’ any National Coney Island here.

Chili Cheese Fries

Get out that French fry pan, roast up your favorite fries till they’re crispy. Transfer to a foil lined pizza pan (the foil makes for easy clean-up), ladle over some of that good chili, then sprinkle on some cheese (Roscoe recommends a blend of pepper jack and smoked cheddar). Sprinkle on some chopped green onions, then let it all bake in the oven till the cheese gets nice and gooey. Don’t forget the paper towels.

Appetizers

A Super Bowl at Roscoe’s isn’t complete without BBQ’d Oysters. Shuck ‘em yourself, or get ‘em on the half-shell (easier, duh). Drip on a little of your favorite salsa or hot sauce (Cholula?), top it with some pepper jack cheese, and grill till the cheese melts.

For Those Who Own A Smoker

Yes, some are more fortunate than others. For those who are, Poppers are the way to go. Otherwise known as ABT’s, these are smoked stuffed jalapenos. Stuff ‘em with whatever you like. Chili and cheese, chorizo and cheese, cheese and cheese, all guaranteed to be hit. Wrapped in bacon brings it to another level of goodness.

You Can’t Go Wrong

Whatever you cook up for the Super Bowl, it’s bound to be good if you follow Roscoe’s Guidelines. But hey, if you just want to order a pizza, go for it. You’re still…

Cookin’ With Roscoe

(Recipes to follow..)

Written by: Roscoe

You can get pizza in almost any country in the world. Roscoe makes it a point to have it wherever he goes (he says the best pizza is in Switzerland. Why? The cheese, of course.) But go somewhere other than the good ol’ U S of A and try to order a bowl of red. Good luck. Oh, Mexico, you say? Don’t think so. In fact, an early Mexican dictionary once described chili as “detestable food passing itself off as Mexican.” Must have been some pretty bad chili. But the truth is, chili as we know it doesn’t come from Mexico. We may think it does because they cook with a lot of chilis. But so do a lot of cuisines. India comes to mind, along with most of South America.

NUNS
What do nuns have to do with chili? Well, an old Southwestern American Indian legend originating from the late 1600’s tells that the first recipe for chili con carne came from a beautiful nun who was prone to trances – she’d go into a trance for days – and one day she came out of her trance and wrote down a recipe for chili to be made with venison or antelope. Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

TRAIL FOOD
It is said that chili was first concocted for cowboys while traveling with their herds around 1850. Tough meat braised over open flame with onions and chilis to disguise the taste of the lousy meat.

PRISON FOOD
In 1860 inmates of Texas prisons stewed up a gruel they called chili, and challenged other prisons to do better. Sorry Terlingua, but it sounds like the first real chili cookoff may have been between prisons. But what did the winner get besides gas?

CHILI BABES

Later, women nicknamed “Chili Queens” sold their chili on the road from Chili wagons. A night was not considered complete without a visit to the “Chili Queen” wagon, where these Chili Babes (Roscoe’s updated nickname) probably did more than ladle grub. Depending on the heat factor of the chili, it’s probably where the term “hot babe” was first used. There is even speculation that these same “chili babes” were at the Alamo, which explains how Davey Crocket and Daniel Boone could have lost that battle, undoubtedly distracted. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by: Roscoe

Ingredients:

Leftover chili – warm
Tortilla chips
Cheese – pepper jack and your favorite, grated or chopped (about 1/2 lb total, more if you like)
Green onions – chopped

Got Chili?

You made the chili just the way you like it, and everyone raved, and now you’ve got some left over. The heavy lifting is done, you’ve already got the spices in the chili (jalapenos, Worcestershire and Cholula, right?).

Don’t Put It In The Freezer

Of course chili freezes well, we know that. But instead of giving it the deep freeze, then forgetting all about it and throwing it away in a year when you get ready to cook up a new batch, just put it in the fridge for a couple of days (till the next game is on TV), pick up some good tortilla chips, some cheeses – pepper jack and whatever your other favorite is (Roscoe recommends smoked cheddar) – some green onions, and you’ve got the fixin’s for great nachos.

It’s Easy, And Everybody Loves It

Just line a pizza pan or a cookie sheet with foil (for easy cleanup), and layer some tortilla chips on the bottom. Dollop some (warm) chili over the chips, then sprinkle the cheese. Then do it all again. Two layers works well, but you can go as high as you like. When you’re finished, sprinkle the chopped green onions on the top.

Pop It In The Oven

400 for around 15 minutes, or whenever the cheese is bubbling and the tortillas are getting crispy.

Guacamole Works

Serve it on the side, or just dollop some right on top when you serve it (dollop is a bonafide culinary term, in case you were wondering).

This Ain’t No Taco Bell, You’re Cookin’ With Roscoe

Written by: Roscoe

THE FIRST OYSTER
There’s no real record of the first guy to ever eat an oyster. Just as well. Do we really need to know about some half-starved cave man who probably ripped his fingernails apart trying to get the darned thing open before he got so frustrated that he just hammered it with a rock until it crumbled? And then, what does he find inside but this slimy grey goop. He couldn’t have been looking for something to eat. He was probably out looking around for an ornament for his cave woman companion. You know, get the wife some shells, make a necklace out of them, or earings. If they had earings back then (they always had necklaces).

WHY DID HE EAT IT?
This dude must have been really hungry. Because let’s face it, he couldn’t have known how good it would taste. Or how good it was for him. But this neanderthal just looked at this shell full of slime and then slurped it down. No cocktail sauce, no horseradish, no tobasco! What was he thinking?

A REAL HERO
Maybe he wasn’t thinking at all. Maybe it was just pure primal instinct that made him swallow that mollusk. Whatever it was, we’re grateful. Think of a world without oyster bars. Who’d want to live in it? Even if you don’t like oysters, you’ve got to admit, going to an oyster bar is fun. Watching the guy behind the counter shucking oysters and making it look easy. Of course, you’re having a beer while you watch him, and that always contributes to the fun.

NUTRITIONAL VALUE
Aside from the alleged aphrodisiac effect you’re supposed to get from oysters, they’re really good for you. Full of vitamins and minerals, like zinc, copper, iodine, and lots more. All stuff men need a lot of. There’s nothing wrong with being healthy when you’re having fun. But don’t just swallow it down whole. If you chew the oyster, it releases those minerals and helps to get them into your bloodstream faster. And the faster the aphrodisiac works, the better, yes? Well, in certain circumstances, anyway.

OYSTERS ARE VERSATILE
You don’t have to eat them raw. Oysters Rockefeller is a great way to prepare them, baked with spinach, bread crumbs, onion, and cheese. But Club Roscoe recommends a different technique…

BARBEQUED OYSTERS
Actually, you can barbeque your oysters without anything on them, they’re still good. But at Club Roscoe, our goal is to take food to another level. So we recommend grilling oysters with a little hot sauce, a little salsa, and a little pepper jack cheese on top. Put the oysters on the grill, put the cover down (or not), and when the cheese is melted, they’re ready.

TOO SIMPLE?
Yes, it seems like it. But that’s the beauty of this food idea. And really, you can substitue whatever you like. There are guys all over the country, all over the world, probably even on other planets (yes, they have oysters on other planets, they must), grilling oysters with whatever concoction they can come up with. So go for it. Use your imagination. Hey, you belong to Club Roscoe, that’s what we’re here for.